One Wheeler's World

Over the past several days, I’ve sat down to write countless times.  Throughout the day, during times when I can’t sit down and write, there are so many things passing through my mind that I want…no, need…to write about.  But when I finally get in front of the computer, it seems those thoughts all become jumbled and I struggle with composing much of anything.  I have no less that 15 partially written blog posts about a variety of topics.  It doesn’t seem like I can get past the obstacle that is the hundred different thoughts flying through my mind in order to focus on any one of them and actually write. 

I’m realizing that my biggest problem, though, isn’t how to say things.  Rather, I am struggling with whether to say the things that are on my mind.  For whatever reason, I have started editing myself basically everywhere.  I worry that friends or family might read what I say and misconstrue it.  I worry about putting it all out there in search of support and others who have been there and instead finding that I am, in fact, just as alone as I’ve come to feel.  And I have started to let my worries stop me from finishing any of those partially written posts.   

Today, I’m making a conscious decision to stop editing myself.  On my blog especially.  See, the thing is, this blog has never been about or for anyone other than myself.  Yes, I do appreciate having people follow along.  There are many times when the comments from others have gone a long distance in helping me with whatever situation I was blogging about.  But the starting point for this blog was about my desire to rekindle my love for writing.  Writing has always been my outlet.  It is the way that I am absolutely most comfortable with communicating, and it helps me to sort through my own thoughts and feel less jumbled inside. 

So, today I write.  For myself.  And for anyone who might be following along and might be spared, even just a little, from that feeling of being all alone. 

Those partially written posts will all get finished and published in due time.  For today, though, I am starting with the one common thread that every single one of those posts share.  I am starting by making the confession that I am really struggling right now.  To be frank, I feel like I’m barely keeping my head above water these days.  It’s become a common occurrence for me spend Zachary’s naptime trying to write but instead staring at the blinking cursor through blurry eyes as the tears pour down my face.  So far, I’ve managed to mostly keep myself together during the time that he is up.  But I’m terrified that my true breaking point is any moment away and that I’ll no longer be able to pull myself together and get back to being Momma when he starts chatting at me through the monitor. 

I have to get back to working on sorting through the vast amount of emotional baggage I carry with me.  I have to focus on getting to a healthier frame of mind.  For my son.  For my husband.  For myself.  We all deserve it. 

And so I stop editing.  I write even when I’m worried about the reaction I will receive.  And I hit publish in spite of those worries.  I write to get back in touch with myself.  I write in hopes of healing.  I share in hopes that others will reach out and let me know that I’m not, in fact, alone.  I share in hopes that my story might help someone else know that there are others who understand. 

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