One Wheeler's World

“…but the delay in his arrival only meant that she had built up more love for him than any one person could possibly need in their lifetime.”
 Life from Scratch by Melissa Ford (aka our very own Stirrup Queen)

At some point each day, there comes a time when I snuggle my sweet little boy and ask him in a sing-songy voice “Do you know how much your momma loves you?”  Each time, my question goes unanswered.  Partially because, well, he can’t speak yet.  And partially because I could never begin to put into words just how much love my heart holds for that sweet little face.  And so, when I read the above line in Mel’s book the other night (a FANTASTIC book, I might add), I had to highlight it in my Kindle.  Suddenly, there it was.  In writing, right in front of my very eyes, there it was.  The perfect words put to the immense love that I feel for that little boy.     

Of course, I really have absolutely no idea whether the amount of love I have for my child is greater because of the path we took to find our way to him.  I have, after all, never parented a child who was easily conceived, so I have no baseline by which to measure.  I believe with all my might, though, that infertility helped me love him better.  I know…truly understand…what a gift a child is.  There isn’t a single day of our life together that I take that gift for granted.  That’s not to say that there aren’t days when I struggle.  We are, after all, in the midst of the toddler stage, which brings with it a new set of challenges daily, it sometimes seems.  But even amidst the most frustrating of moments, even during the most dramatic of temper tantrums, I count my blessings.  I remain aware of what an amazing opportunity I was given when I was presented the chance to play Momma to this sweet, stubborn little boy. 

He has truly taught me what pure, unconditional love is all about.  Not just in the way that I love him, but in the way that he loves back.  THIS is about more than just him, though.  THIS is about a new way of loving that I have discovered with him in my life.  Not just for that sweet little boy, but for so many other people. 

It’s about the way that my love for my husband was strengthened and deepened as we embarked on parenthood together.  The way that I still feel my heart swell each time I watch him play with our boy.  The way that I look into his eyes and see the love for his family shining back at me and fall even more deeply in love with him.  The way that, through our son, I’ve been introduced to sides of him that I never imagined existed and never dreamed I could love so dearly.

It’s about the way that our boy connected me even more deeply to our extended families.  The way that my respect and admiration for my mother- and father-in-law grew exponentially as I saw them cradle their new grandson in their arms.  The way my feelings towards my brother-in-law went from really liking him to truly loving him just as if he were my own brother when he met his nephew for the first time and timidly asked “can I hold him?”  The way the love for that goofy brother-in-law grew even more this past Christmas, as he spent countless hours playing joyfully with our boy, teaching him how to give high-five and working determinedly with him to teach him to walk.  The way my love and understanding of my own mother changed so drastically as I became a mother myself. 

It’s about the way that boy has made me realize just how blessed we are to be surrounded by so many people who love us so dearly.  The way that our friends truly rejoiced with us when we found out I was pregnant.  The way the most amazing group of women gathered to celebrate our boy with me at the most lovely shower I could ever have imagined.  The way that I came to see how it really was okay that we didn’t have any family here to celebrate Zachary’s first birthday because we have an amazing group of friends who were more than happy to traipse out to our house to attend his little party and shower him with love and gifts.  Because they love us, and by extension, they love him.  They didn’t attend because they were obligated, but because they wanted to celebrate his presence in our lives just as much as we wanted to celebrate with them.  It’s the way that my good friend, M, reassures me when I share my concerns about Zachary being our one and only by cheerfully exclaiming that he will have lots and lots of surrogate brothers and sisters to grow up with.  The way that same friend has taught her beautiful little girls to truly love our boy as if he was one of them.  The way those same girls gleefully shout “Baby Zachary!” and smother him in hugs when we all get together.  The way that I have come to love each and every one of these people more profoundly for their choice to be part of my son’s life.

Yes, THIS is what it’s all about.  The lessons that we stumble upon through the various journeys we set out on in life.  The way those lessons help us to see the people we love in a new light.  The ability to look back later and find a little bit of peace in the pain of our pasts, because it was that pain that makes us ever aware of the beauty of the present.  It is that pain that makes the LOVE in our lives so much more magical.  It is the people in our lives whom we love so dearly that make our lives worth living.  The people who are by our sides, squeezing our hands tight, through the painful times.  The same people who are putting on their party hats when it’s time to celebrate life’s victories.  The people who love us just as much as we love them back.

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