One Wheeler's World

“We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us.” Joseph Campbell

I’m feeling philosophical.  Thinking about life.  My life, as it was and as it is.  For far too long, people have been telling me to stop trying to control everything.  I’ve been lectured about how one can’t truly appreciate life…live in the moment…when they are focusing all of their energy on creating the moment.  It seems this past year as been a culmination of those lectures coming to light for me. 

I am, within every fiber of my being, a planner.  To not have a plan makes me feel incredibly uncomfortable.  A co-worker and I were recently discussing this fact.  She laughed when I shared a little secret with her.  I.plan.everything.  I make plans for what to do when my plans don’t work out.  I even plan ahead to “go with the flow” in certain circumstances.  I can have a wonderful time when I just let go and let things happen as they will.  But I *have* to have prepared for this ahead of time.  Catching me at a moment when things are going completely against any of the various plans I’ve walked my mind through for a given time, and you will see me at what I consider to be some of my weakest moments.  Anxious.  Flustered.  Out of control.

And so, I suppose that I can see what my family and friends have been talking about all of these years.  Maybe it’s not a good thing to plan everything all the time.  I still hold strongly to the idea that there are many times in life when it is not only best but necessary to have a plan (along with a few back ups on reserve).  But this past year has found me reflecting on many things, and I find that I am slowly changing my ways.  Not because I’ve been told I should (heh, like that would work with me?), but because lately I’ve become increasingly aware of some smack-you-in-the-face-obvious facts. 

You see, once upon a time I had what I considered to be an unshakable plan for my future.  Fresh out of high school, I knew exactly where my life was headed.  And I couldn’t wait to get there.  A college education, a husband, a cozy house in my hometown, and a few kids to round out the picture.  It was, in my young mind, the epitome of what life was supposed to be.  And I forged ahead, content with making it my life.  I married young.  My husband and I walked down the aisle shortly before my 22nd birthday.  We bought a home within a few months, and I figured we’d spend some time enjoying being newlyweds and then move along to the parenting portion of our life together.  In the meantime, I settled in for what was certain to be my perfect life. 

Except, it wasn’t. 

I struggled with college, something that was never plausible in my plans for the future.  It seemed no matter how I tried or what new plan I came up with to improve, I simply couldn’t find the motivation for school.  I ended up dropping out before I had even managed to complete my general ed requirements.  On to a new plan.  A working woman.  I managed to find a good job, with great benefits and incredible opportunity for growth. 

My marriage more closely resembled a horror film than it did a fairytale.  I could write pages about the nightmare that became my relationship.  Don’t worry, I won’t.  Let’s just say that it was toxic in every sense of the word.  And eventually, I got up the nerve to leave. 

My 24th birthday found me newly separated, living in a tiny apartment, and feeling at a loss for a new plan.  For once, I had no idea what my future would hold.  I still couldn’t grasp how my life had come so far from where it was supposed to be, let alone how to get it back on track. 

The first few months after my birthday saw a lot of big changes in my life.  I adjusted to the single life and began to prepare to file for divorce.  My mom went into treatment, and I became the temporary guardian of my brother, Joe, who was 14 at the time.  We tiptoed our way through adapting to our new life together.  I lost my good job with great benefits and scrambled to find another one that would support Joe and I.

No, there wasn’t time for a plan then.  Don’t get me wrong, I still made plans all the time.  Necessary plans…for the day, the week, a particular event.  But I let go of the need to plan out where my life was going.  I had to.  The circumstances that made up my present day life required my full attention.  And I realized that I needed this time to live…to get to know myself…before I could think too much about the future.

In the midst of all of this, James came into my life.  A new man?  Definitely not in the plan.  I fought against falling for him.  Fought hard.  Told myself that it could never happen.  It would never work.  It wasn’t about the distance.  I had already decided that I was going to move away after things were settled with my family and my divorce was final.  There wasn’t a plan in place yet, but I knew that I couldn’t stay in that town.  I needed a new place for my new life.  Granted, Reno was a lot further than anywhere I’d contemplated going, but still it wasn’t the distance that told me it could never happen.  Mostly, it was fear.  Fear of letting go of my need to control everything…to feel like I knew what the outcome would be…to let go to whatever it was that had put him in my life (call it fate…destiny…the internet…whatever).  Despite my fears, I planned a trip to Reno to meet James.  I suppose that deep down I knew that I had to at least give these feelings the chance to be addressed in person…to see whether there was anything “real” to them.  And there was.  I stopped fighting against falling for him…accepted the fact that it had happened regardless of what my plan had been.  Another plan was put into motion…one that involved me moving to Reno.  It’s been a little over five years since the first night that James and I stayed up into the early hours of the morning talking online.  Nine months after that first conversation, we made the trip across the country together, the car loaded down with the items I’d deemed important enough to make the move to Reno with me.

I never could have imagined that Reno would end up offering me far more than “just” a man.  I have a great life here.  College degree?  No, but I have a great job…one that I love most days.  I also have people by my side, encouraging me to nurture my love of photography and to pursue my dream of someday making it my business.  I have incredible friends, people for whom I am endlessly thankful.  And then there’s that man.  He may not be perfect, but he is my perfect husband. 

All of this has led me to realize that maybe it really is best not to try to control and plan everything.  Maybe sometimes it’s best to let life just…happen. 

After all, once upon a time, I had a lot of great and major plans for my future. Some of those plans came to be reality…and were proven to not be all I’d imagined they would. Some seemed to dead-end long before they could be made real. Somewhere along the way, life presented me a whole new set of circumstances. A life that was far from the one I had planned started to form. And suddenly, I was living a life far better than anything I could have imagined.

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