A New Wheeler

The doctor’s assistant called this afternoon. The pregnancy test was negative. I knew it would be. So, why does it hurt so damn bad? I guess no matter how much I tell myself I’m not getting my hopes up, the reality proves differently. It was as if some fragile heirloom had been knocked from my hands and shattered on the floor in front of me. I could hardly catch my breath. This is the worst part of all of this…the hope that builds up, and the inevitable heartbreak that follows.

Thankfully, the call didn’t come until close to the end of the day. I managed to hold myself together for the last 45 minutes of work. On the drive home, I allowed myself to cry. I didn’t even try to fight it…it would have taken far too much energy. When I got home, I crawled into bed and broke down. James came into the bedroom, lost as to what the hell was going on. Through my sobs, I managed to spit it out. It all feels so stupid when I actually say it out loud. I mean, how can it be so earth shattering to be told something you already know? How is it possible to constantly feel like something I never had has been taken away from me? I don’t know. Frankly, I don’t think there’s anyway to make sense of it. All I know is that for those few minutes, I did what my soul needed me to do. I didn’t worry about being rational. Instead, I fell apart in my husbands arms. And he comforted me in a way that only he knows how. He listened to me ramble on about all of these lost thoughts flying around in my head, and he helped to make it feel okay…okay to feel so lost, to question so many things about faith and hope.

Tomorrow, it’s back to the pharmacy for yet another prescription. Another round of progesterone. Another cycle of waiting it out, trying to remain positive without being crushed by broken dreams. Tonight, I find myself questioning just how much more difficult this process is going to become before the end. I am so desperately aware of the fact that we’ve barely started down this path. I don’t know how to face the constant emotional ups and downs. I need to find a balance between the hope for what lies ahead of us and the fear that it’s not what I have planned.

Several times tonight, I’ve listened to "I Would Die for That," the song that I previously posted the lyrics to. I seem to keep going back to the same line over and over again…and I won’t understand it if it’s not meant to be.

One Response to “My Heart is Breaking”